I must not be getting enough sleep lately, because I had a dream last night that merged my vaccine views with a galaxy far far away.
The result of my epic dream is this silly yet somehow poignant blog piece.
You're welcome. ;)
1. Qui-Gon Jinn - Dr. Russell Blaylock
Both very cerebral in nature, with a smooth, logical, and fact based approach to their crafts.
One's a well respected Jedi Knight whose untimely demise at the hands of Darth Maul brought tears to the faces of many; but not before he taught Obi-Wan all he needed to know to mentor the eventual greatest Jedi of all time.
The other's a well respected (retired) neurosurgeon who risked his career to very publicly call out the potentially deadly effects of vaccine toxicity.
2. Obi-Wan Kenobi - Robert F Kennedy Jr.
Much like Obi-Wan evolved throughout his career as a Jedi, from a stubborn, passionate padawan to the eventual unsung hero of the universe by proxy, RFK jr. has had a similar approach - not only taking the time to teach younger, less experienced advocates how it's done right, but he's not afraid to take on the Empire almost single-handedly.
3. Queen Amidala - Dr. Toni Bark
Amidala is a leader that exhibits grace outwardly, but inside there's an unquenchable fire for truth and doing the right thing. Enter: Toni Bark - eloquent, graceful, and straight up savage with facts when needed.
4. Mace Windu - Polly Tommey
A high leader within the Jedi council, Mace Windu pulls no punches and told it like it is. He'd sooner die than let the Dark Side prevail. Polly Tommey is a fighter at heart; quicker to listen and convene with other activists before dropping knowledge nukes on DVD, but one thing's sure: she's not going down without a fight.
5. Chewbacca - Shawn Siegel
Everyone loves Chewie, and it's easy to see why. He's brave, fiercely loyal, and strong as hell. Subsequently, there aren't many who will intentionally cross his path. And when they do, they're usually ripped to shreds.
Shawn Siegel is the closest thing to the beloved Chewbacca out there. Tirelessly fighting to preserve good in this world, he doesn't even let cancer slow him down, and his strength and heart are massively evident. Much like the fearsome yet lovable Wookie, there aren't many who can withstand his carefully crafted truth bombs.
6. Han Solo - Andrew Wakefield
Solo made the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs with the Millenium Falcon, and fought off bounty hunters left and right, ultimately becoming a cornerstone for the resistance.
Wakefield made the autism/gut connection with twelve kids from the MMR, and fought off witch hunters left and right, ultimately becoming a cornerstone for the resistance.
7. R2-D2 - Tetyana Obukhanych
Sure, it's hard to understand R2, what with the droid speak and whatnot, but if there's something we know for sure, it's that the little guy is smart as a whip, and often saves the day with some sort of other-worldly intellect.
Tetyana may just be the smartest and most underrated hero in the "anti-vax" community, earning her impressive immunology credentials from (most notably) Harvard University. She spends a great deal of time speaking pure science on the immune system, which can be difficult to understand, but she does it in a way that makes us feel like C3PO.
8. Princess Leia - Dr. Suzanne Humphries
Leia is a legend - a spunky, confident leader that spits fire and speaks truth. It could be said that she single handedly saved the entire galaxy when she stashed the death star plans in R2-D2 and secretly deployed the droid to Tatooine, where Obi-Wan Kenobi and a young Luke Skywalker were unsuspectedly roped into the chaos.
Ever read Dissolving Illusions? You should.
9. Luke Skywalker - Del Bigtree
For years and years, the galaxy was devoid of a hero worthy enough to dethrone the emperor. Then Luke Skywalker became a Jedi. He started by studying under the likes of Obi-Wan and Yoda, but what the greatest Jedi of all time really needed to defeat the enemy was inside him the whole time.
Enter Del Bigtree. Powerful speaker, quick learner, and not scared of jack-****ing shit. He has quickly become the most respected figure in the vaccine arena. We can see the empire starting to crack under the weight of his intellectual influence.
10. Master Yoda - Marcella Piper-Terry
Yoda is an absolute icon, and there was nothing that could stop him when he put his mind to it. In the end, it was simply Father Time that got the best of him, but not before he thoroughly trained Luke to take down an entire Empire. Yoda was quicker to utilize his mind skills than to tear it up with a light saber, but he was fully capable of doing both whenever he dang well pleased.
MPT is, quite similarly, a freaking legend. Storing stats and numbers in her brain like a retentive superhuman, she can both humbly educate folks willing to learn, or turn around and absolutely annihilate a troll that thinks it has her number. Her research skills are simply unparalleled, and those on the dark side have figured that out and quite left her alone to her endeavors for fear of supreme embarrassment.
The Dark Side...
1. Greedo - Bill Nye
Much like Greedo showed up to collect the bounty on Han Solo vastly underprepared, Bill Nye has made a similarly miscalculated and under-educated splash into the vaccine debate, with messy and frankly embarrassing results for himself.
2. Watto - Peter Hotez
Watto's always right - just ask him.
Not afraid to weasel his way through life, the lying, cheating Watto is a plague to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, losing in the end thanks to the mind tricks of the Jedi, which he simply cannot withstand.
Peter Hotez is, by many standards, a liar and misrepresenter of crucial information. We all know he's being well compensated by the pharmaceutical empire, and is nothing more than a walking conflict of interest.
3. General Grievous - Dorit Reiss
When one looks at General Grievous and Dorit Reiss, one might wonder the same thing: How does that even work, exactly?
What is Grievous? A gravely ill machine controlled by the insidious force that created him? And likewise, Dorit?
They are both simply short lived hemorrhoids on the backside of the empire as a whole, but are almost admirable in that they are most certainly created in the same image of machine-gun-rapid-fire crapola, and have the confusing potential to make things just hard enough on the resistance as a distraction.
4. Jabba The Hutt - Craig Egan
They both utter nonsensical mumbo jumbo, attack innocent folks for fun, and creep the hell out of women.
Possibly the most apropos comparison of the whole list, I will simply take a bow and move on.
5. Boba Fett - ZDogg MD
Boba Fett is the coolest villain in the galaxy. Even though his super suit is admittedly pretty outdated and baggy, he's got cojones enough to work side by side with Darth Vader to capture Solo for the bounty. You almost want to like him... until you realize that he's simply a clone of an angrier, more sinister villain. He's totally unoriginal.
ZDogg also thinks he's an untouchable deity, and although he actually more closely resembles Vader without the helmet, he has the twisted personality of a bounty hunter, seemingly devoid of morals and compassion.
6. Count Dooku - David Gorski
Dooku and Gorski might actually be distant cousins; we're looking into it. Either way, we know that the dulcimer tones of Dooku's voice have persuaded many weak minds, much like the blogs of "Orac", which tend to attract the flies.
When he's not making puppies shake with apparent morbid fear, Orac the vaccine developer enjoys mocking the parents of vaccine injured children and being ironically hypocritical. His astoundingly insensitive words are, like Dooku, dookie.
7. Darth Maul - Julie Gerberding
Darth Maul was just after a promotion and a rise to evil prominence, while simply doing the bidding of his sith master.
I guess I don't see the similarity between Gerberding, once renowned CDC spokeswoman, now president of Merck's vaccine division, and subsequent multi-millionaire, and the underwhelming yet creepy sith lord.
Well, except they both suck at making an honest living.
8. Storm Trooper - Richard Pan
Storm troopers are pawn soldiers; enforcers - not known for their intellectual abilities or charisma. They simply do what their puppeteers tell them to do, and receive compensation in return, and the promise of continued irrelevance. After all, they're a dime a dozen, and they're not worth much when pursued by the Jedi order. In other words, they're cowardly when challenged.
Yeah, you know where I'm going with this one.
9. Emperor Palpatine - Stanley Plotkin
Emperor Palpatine, AKA Darth Sidious, is pretty much the godfather of the empire. He is evil to the core, and his ideas and inventions nearly destroyed the galaxy.
Stanley Plotkin has long been regarded as the godfather of vaccines, and worked feverishly in the 60's to ensure that aborted baby cells would be present in your children's routine shots for years to come. He has been quoted as saying he would "gladly go to hell" for merging abortion with vaccination if he had to. Not surprisingly, he's an avowed atheist lacking any decent morals whatsoever.
10. Darth Vader - Paul Offit
Ah, Vader. The classic story of a good little boy that started out with the best of intentions and let his emotions get the best of him. Anger was his trademark weakness, and he quickly spiraled into becoming one of the most polarizing villains in history. Not afraid to throw his own peers under the bus, and willing to destroy entire civilizations under the guise of the "greater good", Vader is undoubtedly one of the greatest leaders the Dark Side has ever employed.
Offit, a real life walking super bias, is the poster boy for vaccination. His credentials look fancy, but when you ask him to debate a debate, he gets all deserter on you and you don't see him until the next "outbreak" when he's needed. Resistance is futile, unless of course you have actual facts. There may be hope for him in the end, but we're not holding our breath.